If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
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If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
This meeting could have been a cake
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web