@ericsshadow

If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.

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@dadnceli

Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot

@nbadag

[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles

@ilovepie84

I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.

@SeiYoung83

[in HR]

We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”

@thestlouisan

ME: A restful night’s sleep sounds nice

BRAIN: Here’s a dream about an owl with teeth

@Darlainky

[at parent-teacher night]

Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, too

Me: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*

@brittwastaken

“Why don’t you love me anymore?” I sob as I gather my belongings. “Is it because of the kleptomania?” I cry as I put your cat in my purse.

@poizngrl

My need for caffeine is so bad I’m going to AA for the free coffee