Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
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[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.
It’s simple meth.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
ME: A restful night’s sleep sounds nice
BRAIN: Here’s a dream about an owl with teeth
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, too
Me: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
“Why don’t you love me anymore?” I sob as I gather my belongings. “Is it because of the kleptomania?” I cry as I put your cat in my purse.
My need for caffeine is so bad I’m going to AA for the free coffee