*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
You Might Also Like
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
#SuperBowl
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?