“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
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20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
“Everybody freeze!”
-November