If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
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cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.