[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
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I ate 23k pounds of cream cheese yesterday.
BUT, there were nuts in it and I yelled FITFAM the whole time so technically it was health food
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
While I appreciate your enthusiasm, auto flush toilet, I kinda wanted to see that.
Punctuation is important, kids.