@tonyposnanski

If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.

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@murrman5

[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER

@MischievousJam

I ate 23k pounds of cream cheese yesterday.

BUT, there were nuts in it and I yelled FITFAM the whole time so technically it was health food

@causticbob

Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.

Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!

@EmAsInMoney

Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”

And then they eat all your fries.

@pixelatedboat

BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop

@MouthOfSass

While I appreciate your enthusiasm, auto flush toilet, I kinda wanted to see that.