Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
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How it started How it’s going
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
The police never think its as funny as you do.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
everyone’s a critic
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”