If Billy Joel rewrote We Didn’t Start The Fire based on the past 2 weeks, it would be 45 minutes long.

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[reptile bar]

SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie

COBRA *blushing*: tee hee


*wife wonders where I am*
*hears glass break*
*knows where I am*


Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?


When I go to the gym I reward myself by not going back for a couple weeks.


Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..

Having sex is weird.


Took the only water bottle from my car that wasn’t frozen to class…. long story short which one of my friends left a water bottle full of Malibu in my car


Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.


PRANK TIME: tie your friend’s shoelaces together and when he tries to walk throw a wolf at him


My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her


FUN PRANK: Put a bike lock on a bike that already has a lock. Leave the owner a note saying you guys share joint custody of the bike now