call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
You Might Also Like
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
those birds must be on payroll
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.