If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
You Might Also Like
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
At least he brought enough for everyone
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Feels like the fourth month in January
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.