If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
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*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.