If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
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Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
there’s probably a fee though
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead