If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
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LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking