I bet Abraham Lincoln would rather go watch another play than watch this debate.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
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*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
If I ever seem smug or like I have a huge ego, it is typically because I have been regular for like 3 days
jus found out the B in lgtbq+ stands for Bisexual & not Bible … losing hope in humanity .. but i still feel safe knowing the L stands for Lord .. the G .. for God .. the T for The catholic church .. and the Q for Quality time praying
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Guy behind me at a concert recording with his iPad was pissed when I held up my 40″ monitor that was hooked to my laptop, blocking his view