@EllaZee5

If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.

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@PeteBlackburn

I bet Abraham Lincoln would rather go watch another play than watch this debate.

@fro_vo

*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper

@Ygrene

[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box

@Chumpstring

I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.

@iAmDelFreaky

I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.

@BrotiGupta

If I ever seem smug or like I have a huge ego, it is typically because I have been regular for like 3 days

@duunk

jus found out the B in lgtbq+ stands for Bisexual & not Bible … losing hope in humanity .. but i still feel safe knowing the L stands for Lord .. the G .. for God .. the T for The catholic church .. and the Q for Quality time praying

@WilliamAder

Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.

@Glenny_Baby

I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.

@Mr_Kapowski

Guy behind me at a concert recording with his iPad was pissed when I held up my 40″ monitor that was hooked to my laptop, blocking his view