If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
You Might Also Like
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.