If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
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look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences