@Just_Lee_

If Bruce Willis does any more Die Hard movies it will just be 90 minutes of him sitting in a rocking chair waiting to die from the flu.

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@gerryhallcomedy

me: *turns around in swivel chair*

*tents fingers*

I guess you never expected to see ME again…

Boss: Must we do this every Monday?

@theB6Chronicles

WHAT DO WE WANT!?

A forum for passive aggressive behavior!

WHEN do we want it?

NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.

@crylenol

Commercial for Twitter dot com:

*man yells nonsense out his window*

Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?

@MrSkinnyGenes

We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.

@TheTweetOfGod

Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.

@Contwixt

I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.

@Elizasoul80

Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.

@LemmingDad

When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.

@jerryRenek

Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.

@MavenofHonor

You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it