My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
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[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes