If burglars broke into my apt, they’d look around, shake their heads and leave me some cash with a note that says ‘get yourself some shit!’

You Might Also Like


I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.





me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]


I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.


the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming


You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.


My dealer said he’ll be here in 20 minutes with the best popcorn ever. We’re gonna watch a movie!


Me: dear god. Please destroy ICE and Amazon

God: yo I gotchu

God: *melts ice caps and starts burning the rainforest*

Me: wait no


*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils


Her: Babe! Be careful! The stove is hot!

Me winking and leaning on the stove: You’re Hot, Baby.

911: What’s your emergency?