I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
If burglars broke into my apt, they’d look around, shake their heads and leave me some cash with a note that says ‘get yourself some shit!’
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me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
My dealer said he’ll be here in 20 minutes with the best popcorn ever. We’re gonna watch a movie!
Me: dear god. Please destroy ICE and Amazon
God: yo I gotchu
God: *melts ice caps and starts burning the rainforest*
Me: wait no
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Her: Babe! Be careful! The stove is hot!
Me winking and leaning on the stove: You’re Hot, Baby.
911: What’s your emergency?