Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
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I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Me too 😆
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Lmfaoooooo
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions