If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
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If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
couldn’t resist
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
🏙👨🏼
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?