If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.

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Gonna buy an old beat up car for the sole purpose of rear ending the hell outta people I let over and don’t get the thank you wave.


Wives all up in arms about their husband’s leaving or cheating and I’m all, hush now sweetie, SEE THE GIFT YOU’RE BEING GIVEN.


WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock


What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?


she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]


You know what they say? Once you go white, you’ll rob the world of it’s resources and murder indigenous peoples.


Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …

and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.


I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.


I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.


[at a funeral]

*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*

*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?