Gonna buy an old beat up car for the sole purpose of rear ending the hell outta people I let over and don’t get the thank you wave.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
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Wives all up in arms about their husband’s leaving or cheating and I’m all, hush now sweetie, SEE THE GIFT YOU’RE BEING GIVEN.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
You know what they say? Once you go white, you’ll rob the world of it’s resources and murder indigenous peoples.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …
and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?