If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
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I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy