Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
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[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
She: I like Cats
He:
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song