If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
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employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti