If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
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ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
I wish all tests were things you peed on
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.