Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
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Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.