Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
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Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies