If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
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Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!