If by “fetching” you mean “looks like I was dragged from the woods by a dog” then yes I look fetching.

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Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.

Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.


autocorrect: Tim!

me: No no, autocorrect, this is TOM we know him.

autocorrect*growling*: Tim.

me *spritzing phone with water*: NO.


*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing

Please, I have a family


Hate when i’m singing a song and the artist gets the lyrics wrong


ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?

Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.


Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.


Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.


I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)


Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.