Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
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“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge