If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
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A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date