If by fitness you mean I eat healthy & exercise regularly, then yes, I am not fit.

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It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.


When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”


how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism


I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.


if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.


Everybody loves saying “check on your friends!” without acknowledging that it is often hard and risky and difficult not to come off like “hey dude! Saw you acting nuts, thought I’d be your dad about it!”


Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette

Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.


Telling someone w/ depression things like ‘Cheer up’,’Get over it’,’It’s a state of mind’, is like telling a blind person ‘Just look harder’