@gman_kam

If by fitness you mean I eat healthy & exercise regularly, then yes, I am not fit.

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@not_thenanny

4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.

6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.

@8WARDBOA

I gotta stop applyin for Everything on Indeed I got a Interview Tuesday to be a Pastor

@Browtweaten

computer: create username

me: liamneesonskid

computer: username has been taken

@momjeansplease

*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.

@Spaced_Cowboy00

A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.

@murrman5

*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”

@HomeWithPeanut

Me: Thanks for helping me move.

The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-

Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-

[The Rock gets crushed]

-paper…

@robfee

Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?

@TheBoydP

Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…