@gman_kam

If by fitness you mean I eat healthy & exercise regularly, then yes, I am not fit.

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@Reverend_Scott

It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.

@spermdonorjoe

When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”

@bocxtop

how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.

@jennifer_reber

if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.

@negaversace

Everybody loves saying “check on your friends!” without acknowledging that it is often hard and risky and difficult not to come off like “hey dude! Saw you acting nuts, thought I’d be your dad about it!”

@ThugRaccoons

Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette

Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.

@LetGoBeFreeDoU

Telling someone w/ depression things like ‘Cheer up’,’Get over it’,’It’s a state of mind’, is like telling a blind person ‘Just look harder’