If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
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Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Brb my Sims are getting married