@Parentpains

If by loves to travel you mean secretly following you every where you go from a safe distance then yes I love to travel.

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@Book_Krazy

I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”

@chopper4jk

If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.

@Sickayduh

Joey: WHOA
Blossom: So you like that?
Joey: WHOA
Blossom: Are you saying stop?
Joey: WHOA
Blossom: OK This is the worst safeword ever

@RdrJay47

A virus that wipes out every photo filter across the internet but leaves the photos.

@TheHyyyype

exec: any ideas for new kids shows

writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster

exec: nice. what else?

writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite

exec: love it. any more?

writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun

@trukelayser

By age 35 you should run into friends and say “WE SHOULD HANG OUT SOON!” twice a week. You will never hang out. You’ll just scream this at each other until one of you dies.

@UnFitz

Her: How do you feel about legalizing marijuana?

Me: I’m ambidextrous about it.

Her: Um, I think you meant to use a different word.

Me: [a joint in each hand] Oh, how embarrassing.