I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
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Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Catercrombie & Fish
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.