@Parentpains

If by loves to travel you mean secretly following you every where you go from a safe distance then yes I love to travel.

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@repomon

Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??

@ConanOBrien

I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.

MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?

@TheDeadfishSays

The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.

@TweetPotato314

[First date stroll in the park]

Me: So you work at the planetarium?

Date: Yeah.

Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?

Date: The sun.

@dumbbeezie

“I’m doing good, how are you?”

-Me lying out of my lying liar hole

@ddsmidt

Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.

@kathybotteas

If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.

@capnwatsisname

SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?

ME: oh, I don’t work here

*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*

@Wine_Honey1

Pro tip: If you smear your lipstick all over your face like the Joker, people won’t talk to you.