Want to spice things up? Look them right in the eyes and lick their fingers seductively.
My dentist didn’t appreciate it, but yours might.
If by loves to travel you mean secretly following you every where you go from a safe distance then yes I love to travel.
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Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
A leaf fell!
-My dog’s daily announcements
me: [wiping down equipment after finishing with it]
cute girl: you don’t have to do that with the vending machine. are you crying
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
I’m sorry I tweeted about the same topic as someone else, but in my defense, I haven’t read the entire internet yet.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please