It’s been 3 years since I gave myself 1year to live after self diagnosing on WebMD and I’m still here defying the odds everyone. WINNING!
If by mathematician you mean dividing the number of snacks in my car by the number of miles I need to drive, then yes, I’m a mathematician.
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This cop is driving so fast it’s like he’s trying to keep up with me
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
[flips table over]
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN’T TAKE CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM?!”
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Teachers love saying ‘If Shakespeare was alive today he’d be a rapper’. Wrong. If Shakespeare was alive today he’d be a 460-year old freak and people would fear him.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.