@garrettbarry70

If by mathematician you mean dividing the number of snacks in my car by the number of miles I need to drive, then yes, I’m a mathematician.

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@CulturedRuffian

It’s been 3 years since I gave myself 1year to live after self diagnosing on WebMD and I’m still here defying the odds everyone. WINNING!

@BigBec43

This cop is driving so fast it’s like he’s trying to keep up with me

@3sunzzz

I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.

@icrushedmyhalo

For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!

@RedRegenerated

PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-

ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.

PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.

ME: *gasps* How can you tell?

@delusions_of

[flips table over]

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN’T TAKE CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM?!”

@pleatedjeans

Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal

@CulturedRuffian

‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms

@bea_ker

Teachers love saying ‘If Shakespeare was alive today he’d be a rapper’. Wrong. If Shakespeare was alive today he’d be a 460-year old freak and people would fear him.

@SondraDeeMe

I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.