If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
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Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked