If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
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serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me