If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
You Might Also Like
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
reviewed some movies recently
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
the short answer to this question
Lmfao
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*