If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.

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‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place


I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away


Some people have sex to make a baby but I prefer the old fashioned way of capturing a wild baby, and that’s how I ended up in jail


Wow, it’s really blowie outside

Me as a weather girl


There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.


My husband is a keeper.

No, that’s not the word.

Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.


WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing