The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
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HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
me linking you to my twitter