If by raw food you mean cookie dough, then yes, I love raw food.

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[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten

Primary cause of death: Eating


911: what’s your emergency

me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.

911: what’s his location?

me: he’s 3 doors down


More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.


*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*


I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.


Google: and you want to represent us?

Me: yes, I am very qualified

Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room

Me: overruled


My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.

*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face

Now it looks like me.


Are news anchors secretly insulting you? Moron this story at 11.


My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.