If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
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9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
That’s no pocket rocket.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion