If by self-help you mean helping myself to all the liquor in your cabinet…

Then yeah… I’m about as self-helpful as they come.

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i want a girl with a short skirt and a laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarge pizza


Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.


me: there’s a fly in my soup

waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once

me: no, just the one is enough


Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life


“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.


Me: I need to get my shit together

My shit: not today, girl, not today


*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”


Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho


“I hate karaoke.”

“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”

“Now, I hate you too.”


ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”

ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”