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Come back with a warrant
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Canada has crack?
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Finally!
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who