@E_lok44

If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.

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@ericsshadow

“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”

Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea

@BlackJerms

*Job interview

Him: Any special achievements?

Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed

H: Alright, you’re hired

M: Really?

H: No.

@TheTalkingPipe

I hope when the machines take over the world they start by fixing my cable.

@shanethevein

The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.

@AdamOfEarth

Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.

@GrillinChillin9

Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.

@prontopup

“OMG IT’S RAINING A LITTLE BIT AND NOW I’VE FORGOTTEN EVERYTHING I’VE EVER KNOWN!!!” – Drivers, apparently.

@FauxFawx

[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*

@fro_vo

Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah

@juliussharpe

Cologne – because people shouldn’t have a choice whether or not they want to smell you.