“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
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Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
I hope when the machines take over the world they start by fixing my cable.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
“OMG IT’S RAINING A LITTLE BIT AND NOW I’VE FORGOTTEN EVERYTHING I’VE EVER KNOWN!!!” – Drivers, apparently.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Cologne – because people shouldn’t have a choice whether or not they want to smell you.