If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.

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As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”


I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.


me: wHaT iS It DocToR

dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people

me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS

dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS


If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing


I feel like I could give a great NBA locker room speech. “Guys, we’re all millionaires, none of this matters.”


Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.


“Yes, I’m still single and underemployed, but at least I’m not MARRYING CHARLES MANSON” –women at family holiday gatherings from now on


I bet other insects hate it when they ask a caterpillar how she became a butterfly, and she’s all, “Just diet and exercise, guys!”