If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
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Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
subtitles are so good nowadays
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Spell check is for lasers.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
I’m not alone. I have ants.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx