Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
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Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
*makes doctors appointment*
*arrives 20 minutes early*
*waits in doctors office for 7 hours*
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
I am sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment.
I tried it once and I killed a cyclist !