If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.

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Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here


Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”

Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”

Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”


My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.


Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell


*makes doctors appointment*
*arrives 20 minutes early*
*waits in doctors office for 7 hours*


The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.


If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.


Me: lets go get a drink!

Friend: what’s the occasion?

Me: …

Friend: …

Me: I don’t understand the question.


I am sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment.

I tried it once and I killed a cyclist !