If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
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I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.