[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
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RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.