@Pork_Chop_Hair

[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]

Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.

Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.

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@twylaredsun

Sending a second cup of coffee down to check on the first one to see why it’s not doing its job

@HomeWithPeanut

Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.

Me: And…the other thing?

Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.

@heatherlou_

I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.

Except you. You get under me.

@mommajessiec

I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.

@realfunghi

Bird: Good morning! How are you?

Me: Oh my God! You can talk!

Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.

@JillianKarger

[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]

*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go

[2 seconds later]

*lets go*

@AngelaEhh

My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.

… and dates.

@VerbsRProudest

Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week

“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”

“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”

“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”