[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
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Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.