@pdxjohnny99

If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.

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@morninggloria

Guys can we please civil war somewhere with shade? It’s really hot and some people want to bring their dogs

@gerryhallcomedy

Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.

@iamspacegirl

alien: take me to your leader

me: take me to YOUR leader

alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?

@aidanjsears

[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve

@adamgreattweet

My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead

This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him

@ImKevinito

I wish cops cared about me wearing a condom as much as they care about me wearing a seat belt.

@Lance_Said_This

Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.

Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.

Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!

@AsgardianRose

Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.

Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.

@sixfootcandy

ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.

HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?

ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.