If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.

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Guys can we please civil war somewhere with shade? It’s really hot and some people want to bring their dogs


Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.


alien: take me to your leader

me: take me to YOUR leader

alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?


[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve


My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead

This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him


I wish cops cared about me wearing a condom as much as they care about me wearing a seat belt.


Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.

Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.



Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.

Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.


ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.

HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?

ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.