If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
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Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Sooo many times…..
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
My favorite female superhero
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy