1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
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Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy