If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
You Might Also Like
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
A short story of betrayal:
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.