@teamsexydork

If cats could talk, they’d probably yell “PARKOUR” a lot.

You Might Also Like

@panmidwest

[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”

@YupKirsten

Me: I hate long sad goodbyes.
Cashier: I just want to give you your change.
Me: *puts finger on lips* shhhh. Don’t make this harder *leaves*

@ilovepie84

Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.

@CroweJam

My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.

@bornmiserable

THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals

@MissHavisham

Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.

@ashmensch

This lady at the Edible Arrangement store acts like no one’s ever asked for a corn dog bouquet before.

@truegritrumble

MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*