If cats could talk, they’d probably yell “PARKOUR” a lot.

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[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”


Me: I hate long sad goodbyes.
Cashier: I just want to give you your change.
Me: *puts finger on lips* shhhh. Don’t make this harder *leaves*


Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.


My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.


THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals


Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.


This lady at the Edible Arrangement store acts like no one’s ever asked for a corn dog bouquet before.


MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*