If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
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If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone