@lemonmartinis

If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.

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@Squeeb_Slayer

Whenever I see a bored boyfriend following his girlfriend around while she picks out clothes to try on I whisper “I’d never do that to you”

@eggnook

Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.

@MsApricus

Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.

@SnarkyMommy78

No school, Day 1

7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!

8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*

@smithsara79

[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]

Me: oh I love these!

Them: *goes to light it for me*

Me: *already eating it*

@JessObsess

Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.

@david8hughes

[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.

@Browtweaten

Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?

Rhino: What’s in it for me?

Bird: I’ll warn you of danger

Rhino: I don’t have predators

Bird:

Rhino:

Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening