If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
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Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
I feel this so hard
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Sharon, call the vet
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
“HELP WITH CAT”
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
What is going on? 😅
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name