Whenever I see a bored boyfriend following his girlfriend around while she picks out clothes to try on I whisper “I’d never do that to you”
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
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Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
I put my symptoms into WebMD & it turns out I just have kids.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening