If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
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THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica