if chickens exchanged goods and services for a fixed price it would be called chicken tenders have a great day

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Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.


[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone


Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.


Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!


Excuse me, you with the heels that make your calves perfect, designer dress that accentuates your curves….

You have lettuce in your teeth


Him: I like nerds
Me: So if a train is going at ten miles an hour west, and another train is travelling 50 miles an..
Him: not like that


her: my parents are gone 😉

liam neeson: ok when did u see them last


[throws salad into a garden]

Go home boy…you’re free now.


#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant