@iamspacegirl

if chickens exchanged goods and services for a fixed price it would be called chicken tenders have a great day

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@HughGoesThere

Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.

@KalvinMacleod

[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone

@sarcasticmommy4

Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.

@wendchymes

Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!

@greggjgc79

Excuse me, you with the heels that make your calves perfect, designer dress that accentuates your curves….

You have lettuce in your teeth

@QueenofSparta

Him: I like nerds
Me: So if a train is going at ten miles an hour west, and another train is travelling 50 miles an..
Him: not like that

@TheHyyyype

her: my parents are gone 😉

liam neeson: ok when did u see them last

@DurtMcHurtt

[throws salad into a garden]

Go home boy…you’re free now.

@AFP

#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant