I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
You Might Also Like
Greeting humans vs their dogs
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin